Confirmation Kindness
There’s a new girl at work, she’s beautiful. There’s a new guy at work too, he’s also rather ravishing. From the guy’s perspective, he believes that she finds him utterly irresistible, “how can she not, I’m gorgeous?” He tells himself. After all, she keeps looking at him, she makes eye contact enough times during the day, she asks him a few questions about his personal life, why else would she care about his day? He’s simply bathing in the ego boost that is her attention, he wants more so he keeps looking over to her.
Now you’re the beautiful new girl, you keep seeing this guy you’ve never met before and he’s constantly staring at you. You’re pondering if it’s because there’s a chunk of spinach in your teeth? Or if your eye shadow looks ridiculous. It’s making you anxious, you feel uncomfortable, so you ask him about his day, you make it look like you’re interested. You’re just trying to alleviate some of the awkward tension. He seems to appreciate it, his behaviour seems a bit odd but he’s also new so he must be nervous too, right? Never mind him anyway, the other staff here seem so friendly, just look at the big, welcoming smile from the receptionist.
Now, you’re looking at the new people from the perspective of the entire team. Analysing them, getting to know them from a far to see if they’ll fit in with the rest of the group. You heard from Fran in accounts that the new guy is married to the boss, but it looks like they’re flirting with each other? How inappropriate. Just look at the eye contact and the tension between them. As first impressions go, it’s off to a poor start. She comes over to speak to you but you’re finding it hard to be genuine because obviously, she doesn’t care that the new guy is married. She won’t stop asking him personal questions, she’s got no morals. In the end, you just give her a big, fake smile and the minimal amount of small talk in the hopes she’ll leave you alone. You’re not going out of your way to make either of them feel comfortable, you don’t want them here.
Some people in the office think he’s a dirty flirt and the other half feel it’s all her doing. Regardless, everyone’s mood is now off and it’s all down to one thing. Misjudging. If you noticed, nothing anyone in this story was thinking about each other was correct. Yet they were convinced by all the “evidence”. They were all so sure and so certain, looking for things to validate their obscure theories. This undesirable human trait is called “Confirmation Bias” and it’s one of the main reasons why we have such low opinions of ourselves and each other. It’s our very own, personalised world that we have created for us and imprison ourselves in.
Just like the fictional story above, our perception can be just as fictitious. For example, sometimes when I ask individuals what’s stopping them from living healthier, the response goes something like this: “I would but, I can’t ever get the motivation to work out. I injured my *insert random body part here* 3 years ago and it just won’t heal”. Although you can lift weights with a broken leg, you can go swimming with aching knees, you can do pull ups with a dodgy toe (we’ll stick with that one for now), even an exercise bike would be a sufficiently safe option. They, however, have entirely convinced themselves that this hypothetical dodgy toe is stopping them from achieving their fitness goals. The pain they get when they go for a run means they can’t ever run again, it means they aren’t built to exercise, life is against them. Their biggest challenge isn’t the toe, it’s to un-do all their unhealthy confirmation bias.
Although one event can generate a million perspectives, why not make that perspective a world that makes you happier, a kinder, less negative world. One that creates a better environment for everyone but most importantly, yourself. Tell the inner monologue highlighting every flaw in your being to shut up. Ignore the voice saying that your friend hates you because they didn’t laugh at your dreadful dad jokes, block out the voices calling you dumb, it isn’t true. Tell yourself, you can and you will find the proof around you and believe.
