My Experience with SSRI’s
The whole escapade began with a dreaded driving test. A familiar story for some, sat down and paralyzed in the reception area, waiting for my name to be called out. My whole body shaking, sweat dripping down my back, pins and needles shooting through my arms and legs as I panted in desperation. Gasping deeply for oxygen like each breath was going to be my very last. Regardless of knowing how over dramatic this reaction was, it continued throughout the 40-minute test, until we finally parked up. My lord, the relief when it finally ended. I didn’t care if I passed, I just needed it to stop.
“I’m sorry to say Laura, you’ve failed your test” the examiner exclaimed with frustration. He was clinging on to the grab handle for dear life and so was I it seemed. I couldn’t focus, how can you possibly function when you’re on the verge of blacking out and your skin is vibrating? Unfortunately for my mental well-being, I’ve always been a determined individual, so I never gave up. I kept booking more tests, only the same thing happened again, just worse than before. The symptoms somehow kept getting worse with every attempt. It took four or five more tests until I finally realized, I needed medical help. Although it’s perfectly normal to feel anxious during your driving test, this reaction was far from your average nervous stint, these were full-blown panic attacks. I would even go as far to say my attacks were a huge risk to my life and other people’s. It was so extreme; my driving instructor took up smoking after not touching a single cigarette for over 10 years. If you’re reading this Ian, I am so sorry and I hope you’ve kicked the habit again.
Sertraline (Zoloft) was the doctor’s pill of choice for my “condition”, it didn’t take much convincing to get it prescribed and at the time, it felt like I’d struck gold. My first two weeks on SSRI’s were wonderful, I had almost no nervousness, just excitement and joy, barely any anxiety, no doubt, no shame, just pure joy. However, it still took me almost 10 gut wrenching attempts to pass my driving test! I’m convinced examiner number 9 gave me a pity pass. It didn’t matter, I was so grateful It was over. I now had my driving license, there were no more exams to endure, and I had gained a new superpower of suppressing my anxiety through medication.
An entire 7 years passed by, and an awful lot of challenging life changes had ensued since the start of my Sertraline journey. I had lost my mum during the pandemic, started a new high-stress career and left long-term romantic relationships and friendships. The doctors wouldn’t let me stop taking Sertraline despite me continuously telling them it wasn’t helping anymore, something “didn’t feel right”. To my dismay, they requested I take more, they said there were too many stressful life events going on for me to take the risk. Following the doctors’ instructions, I started taking double the dose, but I still wasn’t okay. I couldn’t get a counsellor to assess me due to the state of the British NHS, the doctors were refusing to change anything but the strength of my medication. I had no choice but to go against professional advice and quit it myself (please be careful and seek professional help if you decide to do the same. It is imperative you are surrounded by supportive people).
There’s good reason to feel anxiety, it’s for our own survival, we need it to live so we can adequately react to danger. Without anxiety, I feel we have less motivation and drive to do things. For example, something minor such as timekeeping can also become problematic to all aspects of life; when you’re not anxious about looking at the clock enough or just being late, you will by default become a late person which can cause all sorts of mayhem. In addition, I feel that having your serotonin unnaturally produced for long periods of time can have seriously damaging effects on your mind and body. Few people know this because the research is fairly new and still inconclusive, but SSRI’s have been linked to making symptoms of ADHD and Autism progressively worse. I often refer to SSRI’s effects on ADHD as dopamine hunting on steroids. Albeit some neurodivergents swear by Sertraline as their saving grace, which is great for them but not everyone has this advantage. I certainly didn't. It made me become an extreme version of myself, like I became a caricature of what I once was. Over sharing, over talking, over working, too many hobbies, too many events, without rest. I was constantly getting myself in to terrible situations that I had no control over, I said yes to almost everything. Worst of all, I became vulnerable and subservient with people that didn’t deserve my vulnerability.
*Trigger Warning*
The film “Train Spotting” comes to mind when describing the immediate withdrawal symptoms from sertraline. Cold sweats, vomiting, rage, paranoia, severe depression, slurred speech, memory loss, brain fog, intense tiredness and something called “brain zaps” (this is where it feels like the back of your brain is being tickled by an electric feather). It was rotten but nothing compared to the months that would follow.
Four weeks of withdrawals and the brain zaps had finally subsided, the fog was starting to clear from my mind. It was an enormous relief until I was given some terrible news that a dear friend had been diagnosed with terminal cancer. Amidst a stressful bout of work and being in the process of moving house, that was when my mind had started to sink into a dark oblivion of misery. The dust of past traumas had been blown to the surface with this one blast of devastating news.
The whole time I was on SSRI’s, trying to cope with life’s common struggles of death, illness and lost relationships, I felt pain, but it was like I had a buffer in the way. My deepest feelings were laying stagnant beneath the surface, unable to release themselves from my body, the sadness was lingering inside me for years, festering and interfering with my mind all because of this medically induced “SSRI barrier”. The entire time, this was what “didn’t feel right”. Seeing my terminally ill friend decline into her last breaths induced a depression like I had never experienced before. All the pain that had been hiding for all those years had suddenly surfaced. I could feel all the trauma restlessly exiting every part of my being. For the first time in years, the pain felt natural. It’s what I needed to feel to help me release and move on.
For those of you that are thinking about quitting SSRI’s, it is not a quick process, especially if you’ve been taking it for a long time. It took five months in total for my brain to start stabilizing. I did not want to be alive for any of those grueling months. They seemed to last forever and if I didn’t have the right people in my life, it would not have ended well for me. Truth be told I still have days of sinking existential dread, but it is getting better. If you too, decide to give it up, please ensure you quit Sertraline gradually and make your symptoms clear to those around you. Taking SSRI’s can be the greatest solution for some people, but I believe it’s healthier to try and use nutrition, exercise, and professional counselling before you go down this route. I wish I did. The only reason I took the plunge to quit Sertraline is because I knew I had supportive and safe people around me, moreover my diet is nutrient dense, and I exercise regularly for a long, healthy life.
Please be cautious when taking or quitting life changing medication; my messages are always open to those who are suffering, please don’t suffer alone.
